Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
