At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
