Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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