fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
