My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
