Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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