She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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