I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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