So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize