I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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