'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
