I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
