I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
