even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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