I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
