If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
