We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
