Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
