She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
