Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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