She's JV to your varsity
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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