Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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