I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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