Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize