I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
