I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
