Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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