I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
