i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
