did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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