Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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