9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
