just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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