Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
