But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
