This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
