i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
