she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize