I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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