thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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