Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
