You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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