There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
