I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
