clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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