The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize