Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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