Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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