Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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