I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
