Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
His nipple licking is glorious
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