Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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