My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize