someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He kissed a someone with a penis
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
