Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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