Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
