I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
is that a dick in a sweater?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
