Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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