we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm really into asian looking animals
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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