Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
