You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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