dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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