My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
wow bdsm is so cute
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize