It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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