I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
